The Post where I cry... a lot

A few things of note:
1. Superman had some blood tests done recently to determine if he might have a chromosomal disorder that could explain 99.9% of his behavior, preferences, etc. The good news is that he does NOT have this disorder. The bad news is that he does NOT have this disorder. I cannot explain to anyone how this makes me feel. I have firmly believed that I might have stumbled onto an explanation for everything we see in him- the good, the bad and the ugly... and yet, clearly, it's not right. I feel lost. I feel really, really, really frickin' lost right now when it comes to my son.
Here's what I know for sure:
A: He is a gift from God. We prayed for a child and Superman is the amazing boy that God blessed us with five amazing years ago. Praise be to GOD.
B: Superman is a genius- he is analytical, he has an amazing memory, he has a kick-butt sense of humor.... he's smart as a whip.
C: He's got some kinda funky sensory stuff going down. The two OT's we've seen have both agreed that he is sensory seeking and needs deep pressure input. He has body awareness problems.
D: He is a leader, sometimes. He's a follower, sometimes. And sometimes he just plain wigs out. He hates mascots. He is learning to like puppets. He is terrified of baby mice.
E: He is thoughtful. He cannot hold eye contact for very long. He doesn't care when he hurts someone. He cracks up when he's apologizing and cannot hold a gaze. He feels other things deeply- like when his mean little sisters hurt him.
F: He can concentrate for hours on some things and then be unable to focus on anything at all. He can be focused or bouncing every where.
G: After his OT, he is a WILD man, which has recently caused our beloved OT to remark, "Hmmm... there is SOMETHING there, but what?" He should be very, very calm following all the input of therapy.
H: We had him evaluated when he was three and the evaluations all came back as either PDD-NOS or nothing, but maybe some ADHD or ADD tendencies as he gets older. In home wrap around services were suggested, but not insisted upon. We declined them because of the hecticness of last summer. I am currently trying to kick myself in the butt for doing so.
I: I have a lot of guilt when it comes to my precious son. Is this all because of some medication I took while I was pregnant or nursing? Is it because I was working full-time when he was a baby and taking him with me... not fully engaged in his play OR my work? Is it because he had a sister come along when he was still a baby himself? WHAT THE HELL DID I DO WRONG?
J: He was born with some physical issues that required two surgeries to correct. These things haven't ever been linked to his current problems by any of his drs., but I am deeply suspicious.
K: I know that he is amazing. He is a treasure. He is a blessing. I feel so often as if I have failed him over and over and over by not being MORE of an advocate for him- with drs. who should probably be sued for malpractice because of their stupidity (thanks Dr. L from Northside)... with parents of classmates who made stupid comments, by not pushing harder when evaluators said there's something there but they just don't know, by not researching enough, by just plain not providing him with the therapies here at home that could have helped him when he was smaller.

So, we're standing on the edge of kindergarten and we're going to homeschool, but, quite frankly, I'm scared out of my mind about it. Can I do it? Will he hate it? How will we get him the things he needs? What the heck is really going on with him?

And that's just him... Sweet Pea is lagging in some things physically which our ped felt could use a PT evaluation. I am praying that it's nothing, but beginning to freak myself out.... she's very similiar to her brother. Then there's Ladybug- moody, cranky, PMS-Preschooler Ladybug. Some days I'm pretty sure she's actually schitzophrenic! Between the three of them, we have some wild, wild times here at the Ellis homestead. And folks, I do mean to tell you, they're about to get much, much wilder.........